Empty, Like Myself
by McAlice92
Summary: An AU. Meredith’s daughter from a failed relationship just died. And Meredith is trying to cope with the loss. Derek has just been working in the hospital for a month and Meredith had already captured his heart. Will he be able to help her? R
1. Like A Bullet In My Heart

**Empty, Like Myself**

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Anything**

**A/N: New story, new drama and angst…**

**So, it's an AU… of course a MerDer… Meredith had just lost her six year old daughter, Katherine (she had Katie from a failed relationship, no father…). Katherine, or Katie, was run over by a drunken car driver…**

**Derek and Meredith had met a few weeks ago (before her daughter died) in the hospital and Derek had immediately felt something for Meredith.**

**The interns all now all residents…**

**This is just a small first chapter… to get started…**

**Chapter 1: Like A Bullet In My Heart**

Slowly I stepped forward, the flower clutched in my hand palm. Tears were streaming down my cheek. I couldn't look so I closed my eyes. When I reached the coffin I couldn't hold myself anymore and I collapsed. The flower felt out of my hand, landing close to the end of the coffin. I wanted to get it but I had no power left. I began sobbing uncontrollably. For a while, I just lay there, all eyes on me. Until I felt two strong hands helping me up, I turned around and was looking into the sad face of, my friend, George. I wiped the tears from my face, which was useless because there just kept falling more.

George helped me to the back of the graveyard. We sat down on a bench. He held me in his arms, rocking me back and forwards. I couldn't stop crying and the only thing I could do was letting the tears fall…

I sat on the couch. Doing nothing, just looking into nowhere. I had a blanket wrapped around myself, though I still felt cold, I felt empty, I felt alone. Somebody shoved a cup of tea under my nose, I smelled it, but didn't look up.

"You should drink something" I heard Izzie's voice say.

I turned around and with my eyes, full of emotions, I looked in Izzie's eyes. Begging her to stop feeling sorry and just let me be miserable. But she would never leave me alone.

She sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me. Still I felt alone and once more all I could do was letting the tears fall…

The next morning I woke up next to Izzie. My pillow felt damp and I felt numb. Slowly I pulled myself out of bed. I walked to the mirror and looked at myself. My eyes were red and puffy.

Slowly I walked downstairs and poured myself a cup of coffee when I heard the doorbell ring. As a zombie I walked to the door and opened it slowly. On the other side stood a man, but not just a man, one of the best neurosurgeons of the country. He looked at me, sad expression on his face, he gave me his condolences and handed me some flowers. I didn't take them, I just looked at them. Suddenly my knees felt weak again and I let myself fall, he was there to catch me.

I broke down again, tears falling. He just held me in his arms, stroking my hair with his hands. I felt safe in his arms, the emptiness disappeared and I felt whole.

He picked me up and walked with me inside. I heard him call Izzie's name, he knew I had roommates…

Izzie came running down the stairs. I heard her gasp. And she walked to me. She called my name softly and guided Derek to the couch. He sat down with me on his lap. And I wouldn't let go of him, I didn't even know him that well, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. I wanted to stay comforted. I hold on his shirt with my hands, my nails digging in his skin. The tears stopped falling and I buried my head in his chest.

I felt Izzie sitting down next to me.

"Meredith, I think you need to let go of Dr Shepard." She said softly.

I shook my head.

"It's okay" he said.

I think we sat there like that for about an hour when I started to drift away. In no time I had fallen a sleep, still holding onto my colleague.

I woke up in my own bed this time, feeling something warm next to me. I looked up and saw Derek, a sleep. I looked at the clock on my bedside. 3 O Clock PM…

I pulled myself out of bed, quietly, careful not the wake Derek. I walked downstairs and saw Izzie sitting in the kitchen staring at a cup of coffee in front of her. She heard me walking down the stairs and turned around.

"Mere" She said just above a whisper.

"Hey" I answered softly. "Why is there a boy in my bed?" That would have been the longest sentence I had made in 4 days.

"You wouldn't let go of him, and then you fell a sleep, and still wouldn't let go of him."

"I don't even know him"

"Yeah you do, Derek Shepard, the new surgeon you have been glancing to for the past two weeks."

"Yeah well…"

"What is it Mere?"

"Somehow, I felt comforted with him, he made me feel whole again." I sat down next to my friend.

"I know, I could see it"

"You could?"

"Yes, it's karma Mere"

"Oh, I really don't want to do this know" I gasped. "It's too hard."

"I know honey, I know" She wrapped her arms around me. "I was just saying" She whispered.

"Thank you" I said, in between sobs.

"It's okay, it's okay"

Tears were streaming down my cheeks again.

"It will all be okay"

"Yes" I said. "It will"

_TBC_

**So… What do you think? Review please! It's just a short first chapter… there will come longer ones…**


	2. The Eyes Of My Angel

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews… Really! They absolutely make my day… ns I always love more!**

**Chapter 2: The Eyes Of My Angel **

I talked with Izzie for a while at the table when we heard something upstairs. I turned and saw Derek walking down. We locked eyes for a second.

After a while I slowly walked towards him. "Hey" I said softly.

"Hey" He said.

"I'm sorry… For this all"

"It's okay" He said with a small smile.

"Then, thanks…" I smiled back at him.

"It's okay" He repeated.

We stayed standing there for a few seconds, looking at each other.

"Do you want me to stay for a while?

"No, it's okay"

"You sure?"

"Yes, thanks"

"Okay" He gave me a friendly hug. I was shocked about it, but I didn't care because I could finally relax in his arms. Although it lasted for about a second I still felt better.

"Bye" He said as he let go of me.

"Bye" I answered softly.

He walked out of the house. I stared after him, watched him as he stepped into his car. Before he closed the doors of his car he looked in the house again and saw me looking at him. We locked eyes for a second until he closed his door and drove away.

I kept staring outside until Izzie rested her hands on my shoulders.

"He'll be back" She said just above a whisper.

"You think?"

"I'm sure"

I walked to the couch and buried my head in my hands. "How can I do this?"

"What?" Izzie sat down next to me.

"How can I think about a guy when I just lost my daughter" One tear escaped my eye, and after that there just kept falling more.

"Oh Mere it's not that."

"Then what is it?" I said in between sobs.

"Mere, don't be so hard on yourself." She wrapped her arms around me. "You just feel better with his, it's karma Mere"

"Thanks Izzie" I said as I started calm down.

"Now, do you want to watch a movie?"

"Yeah, sure"

"Okay"

Izzie put a DVD in the DVD Player and we started watching. Around seven she ordered a pizza and after that I went straight to bed, I was exhausted, again…

The next night, I was waiting for Izzie to come home. She promised to be home early and cook dinner.

When I heard the front door cracking open I walked towards it. I was shocked when I saw, not just Cristina and Burke, but also Derek walking into the living room.

"Hey" I said.

"Hey Mere" They all answered.

"I'm sorry Mere that I brought so many people, but I thought we could eat together, and have a little fun. George may be coming too." Izzie said apologetic

It's okay Iz"

"Good… I'll just make something fast" Izzie walked into the kitchen.

"Hey Mere" Cristina walked towards me and gave me a fast, awkward hug.

"Hey Cris"

"Don't worry, we won't be here long"

"It's really okay"

"Good, cause I'm hungry"

Cristina walked into the kitchen and Burke walked towards me.

"Hey Mere, how are you?"

"Fine, I'm fine" I answered as Burke gave me a friendly hug. After that he also walked to the kitchen.

Derek was still standing a few metres away.

"Hey"

"Hey" I said.

"Do you mind me coming here?"

"No, of course not"

He gave me a small smile. "How have you been?"

"I've been trying" It amazed me how open I was to him.

"Good"

"Yeah" It was silent for a few seconds, but it wasn't awkward, it was a nice silence. "Do you want to help me make the table?"

"Sure"

We both started walked to the kitchen to the kitchen. We made the table in silence, occasionally glancing at each other. I was starting to think he really is my guarding angel.

Dinner was nice and after I went straight to bed. I changed into my pyjama's and lay down in bed. And that was when the tears were starting to fall. For about an hour I lay there, curled up in my huge bed, when I heard the door cracking open. Somebody walked into my room and closed the door immediately.

My body was still racking and I heard a worried voice calling my name.

"Meredith?" Derek called.

I began sobbing loud

"Oh Meredith" I felt him stepping on my bed. He took me in his arms and began comforting me. "It's okay, it's going to be okay" He kept repeating.

I began calming down and I raised my head. Although it was dark, I could feel that I was looking into his eyes. "I'm okay" I said suddenly through the silence.

"You're okay" He whipped a lock of my hair out of my face.

"Thank you"

"It's fine"

I smiled and lay my head on his chest again, I listened to the beat of his heart, it comforted me and I fell a sleep quickly, in Derek's arms…

_TBC_

**So… I'm so sorry for not updating a lot, but I'm extremely busy with school! Reviews do stimulate me though… I _love_ reviews…**


	3. I Tell Myself

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy!**

**A/N: I would really like some reviews… I only got like 4 the last chapter… I would really appreciate some…**

**Thanks to those who DID review though! Thanks!**

**Chapter 3: I Tell Myself**

I woke up the next morning, still in Derek's arms. He was looking at me.

"How long have you been up?" I asked.

"For about an hour."

"Oh"

"It's okay; I like to watch you sleep"

I smiled. "So cheesy"

"I know" He smiled back. "Do you want some breakfast? Cause I can make some, if you wants." He asked nervously.

"Breakfast would be nice…" I sighed. He kissed my forehead and stepped out of bed.

As soon as he left I felt alone again. So I stepped out of bed too and followed him downstairs.

He was just making some eggs when I walked into the kitchen.

"Hey" I said.

"Hey" He put one egg on a plate. "Where is everybody actually, I mean you live here with Izzie and George, right?"

"Yeah, they are probably of to the hospital."

"Oh, I don't have to go in till late tonight, but I can call in sick if you want to"

I looked up, I couldn't do this, it was wrong. "Derek" I sighed. I wondered if I should tell him that we couldn't pretend like nothing happened. But I knew I had to…"I can't do this, with you… I need to be… alone for a while."

"That's fine" He smiled. "It's just that, every time you are alone, I find you and you are hurting and sad…" he said trailing of at the end of the sentence

I sighed again, letting his words sink in. "That's true"

"Meredith, don't worry, I don't mind being here for you"

"But that's the thing, you shouldn't be here" I said quickly. "We don't even know each other"

"Well, we can get to know each other"

I smiled. "Yes, as friends."

"As friends"

The silent for a few seconds "I feel… I feel better when you are around" I muttered softly.

He heard it… "I feel great when I'm around you" He placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Thanks, you know… for being around"

"I love being around…" He placed my breakfast in front of me. "Now eat…"

He sat down across me and started eating his own break fast. Somehow I felt good, telling him everything. Knowing that I could talk like that with him comforted me.

After break fast he told me I should make myself ready to go outside.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I have a thing for ferryboats." He started washing up, and I went upstairs to take a shower.

After an hour we were standing on a ferryboat. I looked out over the water, Derek was standing next to me.

"I love ferryboats too" I said suddenly, through the silence.

"You do?" He smiled.

"Yes…"

He was grinning.

"Stop doing that"

"Flirting and grinning…"

"I'm not flirting…"

"Yeah you are… we are friends" I tried to convince myself, but I always had a thing for him. When he first came to the hospital and all the weeks after we just kept glancing at each other, but nothing had happened.

"Friends." He said.

"Friends" I repeated.

Suddenly I thought about my daughter. She never escaped my mind one second but sometimes I had those moments where I realised she was really gone. I closed my eyes and a lone tear fell down my cheek.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" He wrapped one arm around me.

"I just miss her"

"I know you do"

I rested my head on his shoulders. He stroked my hair with one hand and his other hand already found mine.

"It will get less…"

"What?"

"Everything, the missing" He hesitated. "The guilt…"

"I hope so" I said after a few seconds.

"I know so" He replied with a smile.

Slowly he let go of my hand and I pulled my head up again. He stayed with his arm wrapped around my waist though. We looked back over the water and enjoyed the sight in silence.

**Yes, this is extremely short! And I also think that it's not that good… But I really hope I get some reviews… the more reviews I get, the more chapters I write!**


	4. Nothing Is Also Something

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…**

**A/N: I like to thank the reviewers… Thank you**

**Oh, and don't get used to this many updates, I have vacation for a week, so it's only temporarily. **

**Chapter 4: Nothing Is Also Something**

I woke up the next morning curled up against Derek's warm body. He was still fast a sleep and I closed my eyes again hoping to fall a sleep too.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door, Derek stirred next to me. Slowly, I stepped out of bed, careful not to wake him.

I opened the door to see Izzie standing at the other side of it.

"Morning Mere" She said.

"Morning" I said with a slight smile on my face.

"I just wanted to say that George and I are heading to the hospital."

"Okay" I said frowning; I didn't quite understand why she had to wake me for that."

"She sighed. "And, uhm, Dr Bailey called" She hesitated. "She asked how you were. I told her she should call back. So she might do that this afternoon.

"Oh" I cleared my throat. "Okay" I started to close the door.

"And…"

"Oh, there's more" I muttered.

"I might, accidentally, have let something slip about Derek being here for the past couple of days and therefore not at the hospital."

"Izzie!" I hissed.

"I'm sorry, but I really do need to go to the hospital. You can punish me later"

"Oh, and I will. Don't worry, I will" I yelled after her.

"I sighed as I closed the door. I turned around and saw Derek looking at me.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, just Izzie" It was strange, actually. How we talked with each other. Like we have known each other for years.

I climbed back into bed. Snuggled against Derek and put my head on his chest.

"Derek?"

"Yes Mere"

"Don't you think this is a little weird, I mean us here… together in this… bed."

He chuckled. "It is a little weird." He looked at me. "But also really nice."

"Yes, it's just only that I've only met you properly, like… three days ago and already we are lying in this bed, together" I liked that I could be so open to him.

"Yeah, but I like it" He said smiling. "Besides it's not like something happened."

Now it was my turn to chuckle. "Yeah" I snuggled more against him and closed my eyes. "Nothing happened" I reassured myself.

"And as long as you want it, nothing will…"

We both fell a sleep again. Around noon I woke from the smell of pancakes. I walked downstairs and saw Derek cooking for me, again. But this time it were pancakes.

"You really like cooking don't you?" I said.

"No, I just like making you breakfast."

I smiled again.

"Here you go" I placed a plate with two blueberry pancakes in front of me.

"Thanks" I said attacking the food.

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Not sure, you?"

"Whatever you want, I'm here for you" He placed one hand over mine.

A little smile crept over my face. "I think we need to do some grocery shopping, I think we are now eating everything that was left in this house."

"Sure, we can do that"

We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. After that, Derek needed to go back to his place to get some clean clothes. I went to Izzie's room to get a spare key, in case I would be in the shower. She always kept that kind of stuff, because I would only lose it.

As I walked to her bedroom, I passed the room that used to be my daughter's. I looked at the door, to the wooden letters on the door that formed her name. After a few minutes I pushed the door open a little, looking at everything in her room. I hadn't been in there since Katie passed away and all the emotions returned. I closed the door again and leaned on it, slowly falling to the floor. I began sobbing and soon the tears started to fall.

After a few minutes I heard Derek calling my name. I heard his footsteps on the stairs and I heard him gasp as he saw me leaning against the door, drowning in my own tears.

"Meredith" He gasped.

I began to sob louder. He hurried to me, taking me in his arms and rocking me back and forward, just as George had done on the funeral.

I calmed down quickly in his arms. But then I began gasping for air.

"Slow down, slow down" he kept repeating.

I caught my breath again and lay my head on his shoulder. We stayed seated there for a while until he pulled me up to my feet. "Come, you should take a shower."

"Thanks" I said again.

"No need" He smiled.

I walked to the bathroom and Derek went to his house to grab some stuff.

I peeled my clothes off and stepped into the shower. The hot water felt soft on my body. Soon, the entire bathroom smelled like lavender…

When I came down the stairs after I changed, Derek was already standing downstairs. "I just took your key." He explained.

"Okay" I said.

"Now, let's go" He offered his hand and I took it. He squeezed it a little bit and I knew it was him saying that it would be fine.

As I walked out of the door with him, I realised it _would _be okay. Someday, it would…

**So… An emotional chapter… But well, life is emotional. Review!**


	5. Finding My Peace

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything… Shonda does… She is my goddess…**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I love you all!**

**Chapter 5: Finding My Peace**

We walked through the supermarket. Derek was walking next to me. I felt the urge to hold his hand, but I didn't have the courage for it. His warm hand brushed against mine as we walked. And my hand still itched to grab his.

Suddenly I felt his fingers grabbing mine. Our fingers entwined and he squeezed my hand lightly. I looked up at him and saw him smiling at me. Our dream was interrupted when we bumped into someone's shopping cart. We looked up and saw a very confused Dr Webber looking at us.

"Dr Webber" Derek said, never letting go of my hand.

"Derek, Meredith" He said surprised. He frowned and then turned to me. "How have you been Meredith?"

"Fine" I answered simply. Derek knew that I wasn't 'fine' and he squeezed my hand again, to comfort me.

"What are you doing here?" The chief asked, eyes fixated on our hands.

"Grocery shopping" Derek explained with a slight smile.

"Okay then" He said, just as confused as before. "Carry on" He walked away and I let out a relieved sigh.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked looking at me.

"Yeah, I think so"

"Good, now, what more do we need to cook a nice meal tonight?"

"I don't cook" I said.

"But I do, and I thought we could cook something for your friends, when they come home."

"That's… actually a good idea."

"I know, I'm full of good idea's"

I smiled. "I'm sure you are"

After the shopping we watched movies on the couch, snuggled against each other. It felt so natural and right, being with Derek. Around four I called Izzie to ask if they would be home for dinner. She said George and she were and she could probably also bring Cristina with her…

The rest of the afternoon we spent in the kitchen and Derek taught me how to make lasagne. Izzie was the first one to come home and she was immediately surprised by the perfectly made table and the very good smelling food. After her, George and Cristina came, followed by Alex.

Dinner was nice, we discussed all the 'cool' surgeries I missed and all the other 'important' cases of life. Derek and I held each others hands, under the table, the entire time. We glanced at each other every time Cristina made another sarcastic comment and one time he almost choked in his food.

"Welcome to the interns" Izzie had said.

It was a nice night; it really helped to keep my mind of things. Around eleven Cristina left, Alex 'crashed' in Izzie's room.

Derek and I went upstairs for my room. He changed into the sweatpants he got from his house that day and I changed into my pyjama's. When I came out of the bedroom he was already lying in my bed. I lay down next to him. He wrapped my arms around me and I snuggled against him.

"Goodnight" He whispered.

"Goodnight" I replied.

He placed a soft kiss on my forehead. And I closed my eyes. Soon sleep took over me…

The next morning I woke with Derek's warm and steady breath on me. I still felt tired but I couldn't sleep anymore. I watched Derek as he slept. Slowly I raised my hand and I stroked his hair. Suddenly his eyes fluttered open and he smiled to me.

"Good morning" He said groggily.

"Good morning" I answered softy, I started to get up from bed.

He groaned. "No, I don't want to get up yet." He pulled me back.

I let out a small laugh. "Well, me neither." I said as I snuggled against his chest again.

"You know… I was thinking."

"Were you?"

"Funny, very funny" He grinned. "Maybe, you can go to the hospital with me today, you know, just an hour or so… It would be could for you, just to see everybody again."

I bit my under lip and thought about his suggestion for a second. "Okay, I could do that" I said hesitantly.

"Good, now you should get going"

"Oh, right now" I jumped out of bed and nearly ran to the bathroom. I stepped into the bathroom before he even walked out of the bedroom door.

I closed the bathroom door behind me and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't know if I was completely ready for something like this. Going back to the hospital was a big step, it meant that I was going on with my life, while I rather grieve for a while. My hands were trembling and a single tear escaped my eye. I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand. I looked back into the mirror, into my eyes. I could see my own fear in my eyes, waiting to out itself. Suddenly I head a knock on the door. It was probably Derek, maybe he was concerned because he didn't hear the water running.

"Is everything okay in there?" I heard Derek's concerned voice calling.

"Everything's fine" I said fast, maybe too fast…

"Okay…" He said.

I heard footsteps walking away and down the stairs. I wanted to look back in the mirror and just feel sorry for myself for a few minutes. But I couldn't, because every time I looked at myself I saw my daughter… Her eyes, her mouth, she was the spitting image of me.

I miss her, I still do. But at some point in time I realised I had to move on, I had to get over it, no matter how impossible it seemed.

I turned on the water of the shower. After I took my clothes off I quickly jumped under the hot stream. The water, and the smell of lavender, comforted me.

I walked out of the bathroom with a robe wrapped around my body. I jumped up when I saw Derek and he quickly ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

"Hey, I wasn't done yet" I really wasn't, I still had to do my make up and my hair.

"My turn" He yelled back.

I sighed. "You better be done soon"

"Don't count on it"

I sighed again. "Living with a man…" I muttered softly when I walked to my bedroom. _Living, living…_ It sounded big in my head, I liked it…

The ride to the hospital was long but I enjoyed the peace for as long as it lasted. When we arrived at the hospital, I felt my heart beating. I placed two fingers on my nose wing and closed my eyes. I tried to control my breathing and when I was finally a little calmed down I opened my eyes again. When I opened them I saw Derek looking at me, he tried to act normal, but I could see in his eyes that he was concerned.

"I'm okay" I said, I was looking him straight in the eye.

"Good" He offered his hand and I took it. He helped me out of the car.

He let go off my hand when I was standing on my legs again. When we walked towards the entrance I felt the urge to take his hand in mine again.

To Derek's surprise I stopped right in front of the entrance. He stopped too and stood next to me.

"Mere, what's wrong?"

"I just…" I stopped talking.

"You can tell me"

"I, I don't think I can move on, I don't want to forget her" A tear fell down my cheek, and then they kept coming.

"Oh Mere" He took me in his embrace, comforting me in his arms. "It isn't like that. You need to move on, but you don't need to forget her when you do"

"I can't just be happy, I need to grieve" I said sobbing.

"You _need_ to be happy, she would want you to be happy" He rubbed my back. "You need to move on."

I tried to control my sobs.

"You'll have to"

Finally I could control my breathing, and I took Derek's hand in mine. Our fingers entwined and he squeezed my hand lightly. "Thanks" I said just above a whisper.

He nodded. "Now, let's go inside, before the chief kills me"

I smiled. "Yeah" We walked into the hospital. All the nurses and doctors looked at us with their eyes widened. Gossip definitely spreads fast at Seattle Grace…

I wasn't there to work, but I decided to go the chief to talk about my job. Derek went with me, he insisted.

The chief was happy to see us, both. He didn't make a big deal about our relationship, probably out of pity. He told me I that when I started work again, I could start slowly and continue my internship. It would only take a little longer but it was practically the same. I agreed and Derek and I could go home again. I told Derek he could stay at work, that I could make it on my own for the day. But he really wanted to come with me.

At home we ordered some Italian food and we watched chick flick movies on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. I was snuggled in Derek's arms and he looking, interested, to the TV.

"You can be so womanish…" I said.

"I know" He gave me a little kiss on my cheek.

Although it was such a small gesture it made me warm inside and suddenly I couldn't hold in my emotions, I couldn't control myself and I jut blurred it out. "I love you" It was soft actually…

He smiled. I could see him smiling from the corner of my eye. He opened his mouth to say something but before he could even start his sentence I pressed my lips against his. His lips were soft, and warm…

When we broke apart, we kept our foreheads against each other.

"I love you too" He said, louder than I had.

I smiled and gave him a quick kiss before I snuggled back into his arms. We went back to watching the movie, but with a little more happiness in our hearts.

**Oh, my god… That just came out, not even planned. Wow… intense… REVIEW!**


	6. Why You Died

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Anything… Like always…**

**The italics are a part of a poem I wrote…**

**Thanks for the reviews!!**

**Chapter 6: Why You Died**

_Your tears are all gone_

_Your heart has had enough_

_You were never able to run_

_From that thing called Love_

_You have all the regret_

_And you're dead inside_

_You feel like nothing has happened yet_

_That's why you died_

The next morning I awoke with the same smile I went to sleep, still on my face. The smile was gone fast though, when I realised nobody was lying next to me. Suddenly I noticed the horrible singing from downstairs. I stepped out of bed, frowning…

I walked downstairs, only to see Derek singing along with his I-pod while baking pancakes.

I leaned against the wall and watched Derek. After a while he turned and saw me leaning against the wall. He turned bright red but recovered fast.

"Morning sleepy head" He said.

"Morning" I said grinning

"Slept well?"

"I slept great, you?" I walked towards him

"Yeah, me too" He turned his attention back to the almost burning pancakes. "So, what do you feel like doing today?" He asked as he placed a pancake on my plate.

"Thanks" I walked towards the table and started eating. "I don't really know, you?" I answered to his question. Suddenly I jumped up, before he could even reply. "I want to go shopping"

"Then…" He sat down across the table. "We're are going shopping"

Derek was just about to start eating when his pager went off. "Oh god, not the hospital" Me moaned. Just when his pager stopped his phone started ringing.

I looked up. "Wow, you are popular"

"I guess I am" He answered his phone. "Shepherd"

"Oh, hello Chief"

The conversation went on and I went back to my pancakes. When I heard him sighing I looked up again. He looked scared and very sad. He had gone from relatively happy to actually scared. I looked in his eyes and I saw a tear escaping it.

When he hung up the phone I immediately asked what was wrong. It seemed like he couldn't bring out any words.

"Mere…" He started. "I have to go to the hospital."

"What is it…"

"It, it's"

"Just say it Derek" I said demanding.

"Mere, it's your mother…"

"What?"

"She has been having seizures and the Chief asked me to come"

"Seizures?"

"She, she"

"Yeah?" A tear escaped my eye.

"She is in a coma Mere"

"Oh, my god" I managed to whisper.

"I'm so sorry" I walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me. Slowly everything came over me, sobs entered my body and tears escaped.

"Do you want me to stay here?"

"No, she needs the best" I said after a few minutes of silence.

"Okay, then I really have to go. I'll ask Izzie to come okay?"

"Yes" 

I raised my chin and gave me a soft kiss on my lips. "Stay strong" He whispered. "I'll be back as soon as possible."

I watched him walking out of the house and almost immediately stood up. I started pacing. I couldn't understand why this all must happen to me. First my daughter, then my mother.

It felt like the floor was about to swallow me whole and I fell on my knees. I lay on the floor for a few minutes until I crawled to one of the cupboards and took the half full bottle of tequila out of it.

I tried to walk up the stairs but it felt more like crawling. The bottle of tequila was still clutched in my hand palm.

When I reached the bathroom I slowly walked and closed the door. I immediately went to the cupboard above the sink, I shoved away all the supplies and took all the pill bottles I could find. Before I let myself fall on the floor I looked in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy and I looked pale. I turned away from the mirror and finally let myself fall on the floor. I leaned against the wall. I couldn't cry anymore, I couldn't do anything anymore but swallowing the pills.

First I shoved a handful of aspirins in my mouth and then swallowed it with a gulp of tequila. The liquor burned in my throat. I closed my eyes, but I kept doing the same routine. The pills, the tequila, the pills, the tequila. Until everything went black…

I woke up by the sound of beeps. I opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. It looked like I was in the hospital. I turned my head and saw the concerned face of Derek, sitting right next to me.

"Hey" He said. He looked like he had been crying for a while.

"Hey" I answered. Suddenly more people entered the room. I looked up and saw George, Cristina, Izzie and Alex. Cristina looked at the floor, George looked at me. Alex had no expression on his face. And Izzie seemed to carry the emotions of everyone in the room. Anger, astonishment, sadness, disappointment but most of all fear. I didn't except her to start yelling though…

"Why, Meredith, why?" She yelled through the tears.

I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. I closed my eyes and sobs took over my body. Derek took my hand in his and squeezed it. When I opened my eyes I saw Alex taking a crying Izzie out of the room.

Cristina and George were crying too and it didn't take long before George stormed out of the room as well. Cristina sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, Derek looked up, you could see the astonishment on his face.

"I'm your person" Cristina said to me, just above a whisper.

"Yeah, you are"

_**TBC**_

**Oeh… exciting… what is going to happen? Review, and you'll know faster!**


	7. Before The Emptiness

**Disclaimer: You know, I hate disclaimers… They suck. And now, they are attacking me, on by one. It's like a war, 'all disclaimers against Alicia!' And still, here I am, writing one. I don't want to say it, because it haunts me, in my dreams…-Wow, I can be dramatic- But, I'll have to say it, so here it goes… I don't own Grey's Anatomy, I only own Katie. -Jeez, the only person I DO own is dead…- **

**A/N: So, it's almost my birthday… Sunday I'll be fourteen. But first, an update. **

**I changed the age that Katie died from 6 to 10... Just for you all to know!!**

**Chapter 7: Before The Emptiness**

Quickly after I had woken up I fell a sleep again. It was light outside when I opened my eyes again. Nobody was in the room. I looked at the chair Cristina had been sitting on earlier; her coat was still hanging there. I looked at the door, and saw a nurse passing by.

When I looked at the chair Derek had been sitting on I saw a small white envelope lying on it. I picked it up slowly, I was unable to move a lot and I felt really tired.

I opened it and took out the little note in it. I saw Derek's tidy hand writing, and started reading…

_Dear Meredith,_

_I'm so sorry about everything that has happened,_

_I wish I could take it all back for you._

_But you're strong and you can survive this, I know you can_

_Just remember that I love you, _

_And I will love you forever, no matter what will happen._

_Though I have to walk away, _

_I'm no good for you, in no way. _

_Stay strong Mere, _

_Love you always,_

_Derek_

I gasped, and slowly let my fingers fall over the tiny piece of paper. One tear fell out of the corner of my eye, but I was tired of holding back the others so let myself cry. I cried for Derek, I cried for my daughter, I cried for my mother and I cried for myself.

I was still sobbing when I heard my door open. Izzie crept into the room, she looked at my tear stained face.

"Mere?" She called just above a whisper.

"Hi Iz…" I answered with a small forced smile.

"What is it?" She sat on my bed and I saw her eyes falling on the note in my hand. "What's that?"

I gave it to her, looking away as she read it.

"Oh Mere" She said gasping. "I'm so sorry" She pulled me into a hug, but I didn't respond. I zoned out a little and thought about what I was supposed to do now… What I needed to do to survive this…

Three days later I was finally ready to leave the hospital. I felt exhausted, it had been a long day, doing all sorts of test, I was ready to go to sleep. But now I was still waiting in the lobby to be picked up. Suddenly I felt two hands on my shoulder. I turned around and saw George.

"Hey George" I said softly.

"Hey Mere, ready to go home?"

"More than you think" I laughed.

"Good"

Together we walked out of the hospital and to our home.

"_Mum, I'm going to school" My ten year old daughter yelled from the bottom of the stairs. _

_I quickly came running down from the stairs. "Do you want me to drive you?" I asked worried. _

"_I'm okay mum. The ten year old can walk the 100 metres to her school."_

_I handed my daughter the bag she forgot upstairs. "Be careful, okay?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "Yeah mum" She turned and I could hear her mutter, "Jeez, talk about overprotective."_

"_I love you Katherine" I called after her. _

"_Love you too mum" She walked out of the door. _

_I went back upstairs with a frown on my face. Why was I feeling like this was the last time I would see her?_

I woke up sweating. The memories of the last time I talked to my daughter still clear in my mind. Slowly I stepped out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, washing my face with the cold water. I turned when I heard someone opening the door. It was Izzie, she was still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"What's wrong Mere?" She asked, her voice full of sleep.

"Nothing, just, just a nightmare" I said.

"Okay, I'm going back to sleep now…" She said still sounding tired.

"Okay…"

She walked out of the bathroom and left me alone with my thoughts. I looked at myself in the mirror again, but all I could see was Katie. She had looked so much like me.

I missed her, I never stopped missing her. But now with Derek gone, I had all this time to think. And I missed him too, terribly.

Slowly tears began to escape my eye again. They made their way down my cheek. I looked away from the bathroom mirror and stormed out of the bathroom, back into my room.

In the darkness of my room I let myself fall on my bed. I rolled myself up in a ball, in the middle of my large bed. This way I fell a sleep. Just like I did before Derek, before everything… Before…

**Wow, an emotional chapter… And not very long… but it is something!**

**Let's talk some more about this chapter…**

**Meredith is now of course having a hard time… She just lost the only comfort she had in life, the only thing that made her feel alive. But it's time for her to learn and live on her own…**

**Derek left because he thought he was no good for her. But deep down he knew he was only helping her and she was doing good. He just couldn't stand to see the woman he loves suffering so much, so he chose the easy way out and left. But don't worry!! This is a MerDer and it will stay a MerDer…**

**And what do you think of the flashback? I don't think I will be writing a lot of those but maybe one more. I don't know… **

**It's my birthday on Sunday!! I'm getting the Grey's Anatomy season 1 box… They finally have it here in Holland!! **


	8. Anger, Fear And Love

**Disclaimer: You know, I'm not going to let the disclaimers win this war… I'm not! I'll just fight back with everything I have… But before I do that… I'll have to say this… I don't own Grey's Anatomy… I don't! **

**Oh, and I don't own Joan Crawford's beautiful creations either…**

**And I don't own (god, I own like nothing…) LeAnn Rimes', Leaving's Not Leaving either.**

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!!**

**This is the last chapter… But there will be an epilogue…**

**Chapter 8: Anger, Fear and Love**

'_Love is a fire, but whether it's going to warm your heart, or burn down you house, you can never tell' –_ Joan Crawford

I was lying in bed, looking up to the ceiling when the bell rang. I heard Izzie opening the door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I heard Izzie screaming.

I think she stood there for about five minutes, screaming to who ever was standing at the other side of the door, before I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

Someone knocked on my door and it cracked open even before I got a chance to answer. I quickly wiped the stained tears for my face and placed a fake smile on it. But the smile disappeared fast when I turned my head and saw Derek standing in the door opening of my room.

_**Sometimes the time comes along  
When it's time  
Time to move on  
You'll still be there  
In everything that I do  
And wherever I go I'll remember you**_

"Hey" He said softly. He ran a hand through his hair, exactly in the way he always does when he's tired or frustrated.

His face looked tired and it seemed like he had been crying. His normally blue eyes seemed to have turned navy and his hair was a mess… He looked the way I felt.

He took a small step forward, but stopped immediately. He looked at me and I held his gaze for a few seconds before I focused my eyes on the ceiling again.

**_Leaving's not leaving  
'Cause I'm not leaving you behind  
You'll always be with me  
Always be with me  
Part of my heart from time  
Wherever I'm goin'  
Even if it's just in my mind  
Leaving's not leaving  
I'm not leaving you behind_**

When I looked up again I saw him standing only a few feet away from me. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

My voice seemed to be gone too and my lips were shut, not planning on opening anytime soon. He wasn't saying anything either, so we probably looked like two fish, gaping at each other. Suddenly, even surprising myself, I opened my mouth. "What are you doing here" Said my own scraping, fragile voice.

He looked at me, surprised. "I, I came, I came to say goodbye" He stuttered.

_**Moments shared there with you  
There the best times that I ever knew  
They'll still be there  
When good-byes are all through  
I'll remember those days  
I'll remember you**_

I sat up and looked at him with tears in my eyes. "Are you serious?"

"Yes" He said coldly.

"Why?" I asked with now tears streaming down my cheeks.

"I don't know" He ran another hand through his hair. He looked down to me again and looked in my green eyes. He took a little step forward. He was close enough for me to feel the heat radiating from him.

Slowly I reached forward and took his hand in mine. Our fingers entwined. And as I looked back in his eyes again I pulled him towards me.

_**Leaving's not leaving  
'Cause I'm not leaving you behind  
You'll always be with me  
Always be with me  
Part of my hear from time  
Wherever I'm goin'  
Even if it's just in my mind  
Leaving's not leaving  
I'm not leaving you behind**_

He landed on the bed, his lips only inches from mine. I felt his hot breath lingering on my lips.

I didn't expect him to pull away, but he did. I saw a silent tear sliding down his cheek, and before I knew what I was doing I pressed my lips passionately onto his. He tasted salt, from the tears.

I pulled away, only to catch my breath. After a few seconds he pressed his lips against mine again and I fell backwards, landing on my bed. I brought my hand, that wasn't entwined with his, up to his hair and ran my fingers through it.

He deepened the kiss and I felt his hand on the back of my head. Before I knew it a sob escaped my mouth and he pulled away, slowly sitting up. He looked at me, and I looked at him. I saw that he was crying and obviously he knew I was crying. I launched myself into his arms, crying hysterically, and he stoked my hair, whispering soothing words.

When I sat up again he cupped my cheek and gave me a kiss on my forehead. "I need to go" I said just above a whisper.

"I know" I said. He loosened his grip on my hand and I pulled it back. My eyes stayed focused on the spot where our hands once shared their heat.

_**I'll hold on to the memory  
'Cause in my heart you'll be here with me  
There's no reason to cry  
Good-bye really isn't good-bye**_

He slowly raised my chin with his hand, looking deep into my eyes and he gave me a soft kiss on my lips. A simple touch, but it meant the world for me.

He turned around and I watched him walk out of the room.

As soon as he left I let myself fall on my bed, rolling myself up in a ball. I cried the silent tears I had been holding back.

I got lost in my thoughts and didn't notice the door cracking open. I only looked up the moment I felt someone silently sitting down on my bed.

"Hey Mer" Izzie said sadly. She smiled to me.

"Hey" I said, my voice still sounded fragile.

"How are you?" She asked, still with the sad smile on her face.

"I don't know" I said honestly. "I miss him"

"I know, honey" She placed her hand on mine. "It will get better, I'm sure it will"

"I hope so" I looked down at our hands and imagined Derek sitting there with me, soothing me and holding my hand again. If that could be true…

_**Leaving's not leaving  
'Cause I'm not leaving you behind  
You'll always be with me  
Always be with me  
Part of my hear from time  
Wherever I'm goin'  
Even if it's just in my mind  
Leaving's not leaving  
I'm not leaving you behind**_

I sat outside, looking up to the stars. I finally pulled myself out of bed and instead sat down on my front porch. Izzie was inside, watching a sappy movie which she wanted me to watch with her, but I went outside to keep drowning in my own misery.

I was about to go inside to get my coat when I saw two headlights shining on my porch. I looked up and saw a black BMW pulling up next to my house. A figure stepped out and it wasn't until I saw the person running his hand through his hair that I realised it was Derek. I started running towards him. He turned and caught me in his arms as I launched myself in them.

"I love you" I said, the evident of tears in my voice.

"I love you too. Oh, I love you so." He said as he put me down on the floor again and pulled me into a kiss.

_**Leaving's not leaving  
I'm not leaving you behind**_

**That's it… the last chapter, there will be an epilogue though…**


	9. How My Heart Was Repaired

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything…**

**A/N: I noticed that I only got three reviews for the last chapter… Was it not good? Because, personally, I loved it… I hope to get more for this one… It is the LAST…**

**It will skip three years, on our favourite couple's honeymoon, the end actually…**

**The flashbacks are in _italics _and from different times…**

**Chapter 9: How My Heart Was Repaired**

I looked over the water, a smile on my face. The warm arms of my husband were wrapped around my waist.

"_Meredith, I love you so much. We have been through so much together, and it only makes me want to be with you more. It makes me want to be with you every moment of the day. It makes me want to kiss you on the most inappropriate moments." He sighed and looked up into me eyes. "I think it's because of your eyes, or your smile, or the way that every time I say your name I feel chills over my body." He took my hands in his. I saw the tears in his eyes and it only made there fall more down my cheeks. "What I'm trying to say is that, I love you, and…" he took a deep breath. "Do you want to marry me?"_

_I let myself fall in his arms. "Of course Derek, of course I want to marry you…" _

I felt his hot breath against my neck, soon followed by a trail of kisses.

"Derek, we're on a ferryboat." I whispered.

"I know, but I think we should seal our marriage here…"

"I think we've done enough marriage-sealing for a lifetime."

"Well, what about end-of-our-honeymoon-sex?"

"On a ferryboat?" I asked. I knew what the answer would be, and I knew I would cave, too

What I didn't I expect was for him to spin me around. Our faces inches apart, our lips almost toughing.

"It IS our favourite spot…" He said with a grin. He looked me straight in the eye, and obviously, after three years, he knew that it would make me cave.

But I quickly turned around, facing the water again. "I don't think so, mister"

"That's not fair" I could practically hear him pout.

"Well, then you should wait" I leaned a little more against his chest, taking in his scent.

"_Derek, what are we doing in here?"_

"_Uhm, talking" He said before he pulled me into a kiss. _

"_In a closet?" I asked in his mouth. I pulled away from the kiss. "Besides, you can't see me in my dress, it's bad luck…"_

"_But you're not even wearing your dress, and you're cute when you walk around in your underwear."_

"_Yeah, yeah" I smacked his arm. "I AM about to put on my dress, though"_

"_This soon… Why can't you walk around like this a little while longer?"_

"_Derek, our wedding starts in thirty minutes"_

"_That soon… why don't you have your dress on yet?" Derek said with a grin. _

"_Very funny mister… I just didn't want to ruin my dress, because it's really something I would do"_

"_Besides…" I pulled him into a kiss, pressing him against the wall of the closet. My tongue slipped into his mouth. When we broke the heated kiss, we kept our foreheads against one another. "It's good not to wear a dress for this kind of occasions…"_

_He smiled. "I love you..."_

"_I love you too" I gave him a small kiss and exited the closet…_

"I can wait… I hope" He said.

I turned my head and looked at him. I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him into a kiss… a very passionate kiss.

Suddenly I broke away from him, grinning. "I'm not sure if you can wait any longer…" I said giggling.

"Well, you are irresistible.

"I know"

"Good" He gave me a soft kiss on my head after I turned around.

"I love you" He said softly, his voice sounded dreamy.

"You better… Or this honeymoon would have been a waste of time and money"

He laughed and I laughed with him. After a few minutes of silence I spoke up again. I love you too " I said softly and I placed a soft kiss on his hand.

"I love you more…"

"Oh not this one again" I said, trying to sound annoyed.

"Oh you love it, and you know it"

"Okay I do… But I love you more…"

"So cheesy…"

"But you-…" I couldn't finish my sentence because he turned me around again and pressed his lips against mine.

"I could do this forever" I said after we broke apart.

"Me too" He answered pulling me into another kiss…

**The End**

**What did you think? Good last chapter? Well, I like to hear from you… Please? Pretty please…**

**You should take another look at the title of this chapter and the one of the first… Funny, huh?**

**I thought it was a fun chapter, a little fluffy… It surprised me that I like writing that too! Normally I only write drama… and angst… and tragedy… But this was different. I think it is a nice end… **

**Alicia**


End file.
